What About My Wife’s Sin?

Be sure to read the article The Controlling Wife for more on this subject.

Multitudes of men who find this website tell me how much help they have received. Wives, as well, send letters of thanks for how their husbands began to understand them and were transformed from the help they found here. Broken relationships are commonly healed and marriages can be restored when men take to heart the biblical advice offered here.

Occasionally, however, I will hear from a man who is aware of his imperfections, but believes his marital troubles stem from his wife's sins. The very suggestion that he is responsible for his wife's sinful reactions to him angers or discourages him. A man may feel beat down and unable to withstand his wife’s emotional assaults. His goal each day is just to survive his wife’s bullying. Consequently, he frequently heads off to work feeling he has suffered unjustly and seeks compassion from whoever will listen. He says he appreciates what he reads here on the website, but is frustrated, because he knows his wife is at fault too. He acknowledges he is not a perfect husband, but feels like the responsibility to bring healing shouldn’t all be on him. He wants to know why I post no articles confronting women for their part in the broken relationship.

So to any man who is nursing emotional wounds inflicted by his wife, consider the following.

It is not my position that every husband is at fault when his wife decides to leave him. And it is not my belief that departing wives are without sin. The perspective I come from is that in every broken relationship there is almost always responsibility on both sides. Men and women by nature are both self-centered and both sin against each other. In fact, if you hadn’t noticed, the title of my main article is “Reconciliation With a Hardened Wife.” That article and most of the Reconciliation portion of the website is meant strictly for men whose wives are hardened in the sin of bitterness. I by no means want to suggest that a bitter wife isn’t self-centered or is not sinning in any way. In fact, I believe that a wife who is hardened in her heart is responding sinfully to her husband. Since my website is not for women, but only for a man who wants to know what he can do to restore a broken relationship, all the articles are geared to help him identify and repent of his mistakes and sins.

Did you get that? The purpose of the website is to help a man do what HE can to restore a broken relationship. A woman may leave a man who is a near perfect husband, but not because he is failing horribly. She leaves him because she has issues from her past that color how she sees life and affect how she conducts herself in any relationship. In such situations a man may not have been a horrible husband, but the path to restoration is the same.

If I had a website for women, I would help them identify all their failures just as I do for men. In my articles for husbands I give only a passing mention of a woman’s failures, because I have found that if I spend too much time describing a woman’s sin and self-centeredness, it feeds resentment in men, which makes them feel sorry for themselves. This thereby hampers their ability to do what they need to do in order to restore their marriages. Actually, if you listen to the online session “Unraveling the Mysteries of the Female Mind” you will hear me explain from the Scriptures why women are emotionally weaker and more vulnerable than men. Since women are the more emotionally vulnerable of the two sexes, and therefore more prone to rash, self-protective thinking, I address my comments to men as the stronger of the two. Biblically speaking, since men and women are so different by nature in their weaknesses and sin tendencies, there is no way to present a unisex solution, as some might suggest.

Reconciliation Between Two in Conflict

The Scriptures teach that when we are in conflict with someone else, whether it is our neighbor, our enemy, or our wife, we are to own our contribution to the problem and initiate reconciliation.

Mat 5:23  "If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.

Rom 12:18  If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.

It is my experience that when a husband owns his contribution and expresses empathy and compassion for the pain his wife suffered as a result of his mistakes or negligence, it can soften her heart and draw her into repentance as well. Her softening may not be immediate, but a repentant husband will increase the possibility that she will come around.

A Website Just for Husbands

Since only men contact me for help, I address all my articles to them as grown men, with the emphasis on grown. When they call the counseling line with a sad tale of their mean-old-wife, I am tempted to feel sorry for them, because early in my marriage I was in their shoes. Before my wife and I had worked through our marriage issues I often felt sorry for myself, having to endure what I thought was her critical attitude and a lack of appreciation. I never spoke with anyone about my situation, but I was tempted to. What I didn't realize was that my desire for someone to feel sorry for me made me more like a whiny little boy than a man. She needed me to be a man. (We can tell if we have fallen into self-pity, because we feel sorry for ourselves and want others to as well, so we will find ourselves repeating our sad tale of victimhood to whomever will listen.)

For guys who look to me for help with their “abusive” wife, it would do no good to coddle them with “poor babies” like they were innocent toddlers, victimized by some big bad devil-lady. Coddling men because they were abandoned or are the recipients of verbal abuse would offer them no practical help or give them hope of reconciliation. For a man to do more than “survive” his abusive wife he must not dwell on his wounds or on her failures. To stand up like a man and be strong, he must see his wife as the weaker vessel who struck out at him over the years out of fear and self‑protection. Standing in a position of compassion for his wife is what will take away her power to hurt him and empower him to own his mistakes in the marriage.

The reason to help a man identify and repent of his failures is that his wife may experience the sincerity of his love, open her heart back up him, and repent of her bitterness. Once restored, it is my hope that a man leads his wife closer to Jesus, whereby she sees own self-centeredness and finds the grace to walk in greater humility.

Victim of an Abusive Wife 

Occasionally a man will contact me and describe himself as a “victim of an abusive wife.” I typically warn the man that identifying himself as a "victim" suggests he could be consumed with self-pity. After all, a true victim is a passive recipient of some harm and has no power to avoid the cause or result of the injury. For example, a baby born with AIDS is a true victim. A pedestrian killed by a drunk driver is a true victim. A woman overpowered and assaulted by thugs is a true victim. These are all true victims because each is helpless to change their response to the perpetrator. A false or semi-victim is a recipient of harm, but has the ability to determine the extent of the emotional damage done. A man who is verbally attacked by his wife is not a full victim, because as Jesus taught, it is up to us to decide how we will respond to verbal or emotional attacks. The spiritually or emotionally weaker he is, the deeper the "wound" and the more prone he is to self-pity and resentment. The stronger (more Christ-like) he is, the greater the love, forgiveness, and pity he feels toward his wife, and the less wounded or “victimized” he feels. Quite commonly, the man who labels himself a "victim" will find himself tainted by bitterness and prone to judgment of her heart motives.

Unfortunately, we live in an age of "victimization" which means that, like most people around us, we are prone to blaming others for that which is under our power to control. In our marriages it means that we husbands may accidentally assume a wimpy identity and tell ourselves we are being bullied by our wives. This victim state of mind lowers our resistance to offenses and exempts us from our responsibility to actively love.

My brothers, if we are angry at our wives and consider ourselves victims, it is very possible that we live in unforgiveness. As we read in Hebrews 12:15, “the root of bitterness grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Our victim-thinking will weaken us and pollute the people around us. According to Ephesians 4:26-27, if we hold resentment against others we actually give demons influence in our life. It is time for us to stop blaming our wife for our weak responses to her. Just remember – holding on to blame and bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You only damage yourself.

The reason I know that we as men are never victims of our “weaker vessel” wives is that Jesus taught us that love for our abusers takes the power out of their insults. The label “abuse victim” suggests that the recipient of harm is not responsible for his own response to the offender. To be biblically accurate, an “abuse victim” is only a victim of his own weak responses.

Mat 5:44  But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

Luke 6:27  "But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.

Luke 23:33,34 When they came to the place called the skull, there they crucified him ... Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing...”

1 Peter 2:21-25 Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. 

The Word teaches us that we have the grace to not be devastated by verbal abuse.

Rom 2:14,17,19-21  Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse ... Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody...Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

1 Corinthians 4:12-13   We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world.

1 Peter 3:14-16   But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear ; do not be frightened."  But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

By modern definitions, our Lord could have called himself a “victim of abuse,” but He didn’t. His maturity and love for those who attacked him helped him more than survive – he thrived. He knew the pitiful condition of the hearts of those who treated him poorly, so related to them with compassion and understanding. If they were arrogant towards him he set them straight, but if fear was the basis for their dishonor, he ignored their disrespectful attitude and sought to strengthen their faith (Mark 4:38-40). Read the article The Controlling Wife to see multiple examples of this. 

My Testimony

I know these things firsthand, because early in my marriage I saw myself as a victim of my wife’s verbal and emotional abuse. In her childhood she had experienced physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. As you can imagine, when young she was never free to express anger or frustration with what she endured. While growing up, the wrong word, attitude, or look would earn her a beating. When she married me, my patience and gentle manner made her feel free to express what she had always bottled up. When my male thoughtlessness would make her feel afraid or insecure she would blast me in hopes I would understand her anxiety or rescue her from whatever posed a threat. Unfortunately, I did not recognize the fear that evoked her passion. I only understood that she was angry and it was somehow my fault. When she started her “attacks,” reminding me of my failures and weaknesses, I would not counter attack, but would wait quietly for her to finish. I might try to correct the mistaken facts she presented or attempt to expose her errors in logic, but that just seemed to make her more upset, so I generally remained passive.

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This went on for the first 15 years of our marriage. During that time I felt like a victim of an abusive wife. What made our conflicts more painful was that my wife was a public speaker and debater who was known for her ability to make fools of her opponents in radio and TV debates. She was articulate and a master of the low-blow. I too was a public speaker, and was a radio talkshow host who was skilled in debate, but as I eventually discovered, debates in marriage are won not by logic and facts, but by passion and low-blows. With my wife I found that the fire died down faster if I threw no fuel on it, so out of self-preservation I remained quiet and non-combative.

Needless to say, on occasions following her attacks I would go to work feeling sorry for myself for having such an unappreciative and disrespectful wife. I was confident most women would be thrilled with a husband like me. After all, I was kind, gentle and never spoke a harsh word to her. There was no one I could talk to about our issues, but if I had, I would have tried to evoke in them pity for what I had to endure. Although I was a strong leader in all other areas of life and feared no one that I knew of, I responded to my wife like an emotional wimp. She was crying out for my leadership, but I was focused on surviving her instead. 

One day I realized that it was my lack of selfless love for my wife that made me vulnerable to her attacks. Mature love for her would have allowed me to look past her disrespectful communication and pity her for her vulnerable condition and the inner fears that prompted her passion. Unfortunately, I saw her as a formidable opponent rather than an abused little girl who grew up and was determined to keep herself safe at all costs.

It all changed one day when we were visiting her childhood home where so much of her abuse took place. She was alone in the house and was suddenly overcome by memories of her past. I came into the kitchen and found her in fetal position on the floor, crying. It all came clear to me at once – this tough, articulate, outspoken woman was just an abused little girl who grew up and was coping with life the best way she knew how. In her heart, everything that went wrong in life just couldn’t be her fault – subconsciously she felt she could not bear one more beating -- it had to be the fault of someone else. Her compulsion to blame everything on me or the children would keep her safe. Ever since that day, I have stopped viewing her as this tough, strong woman, who was a force to be reckoned with, but as a tender flower that needs my protection. Our relationship changed dramatically. I began to relate with her as one whose primary duty was protection. If she was disrespectful, I would ignore her disrespect and respond to the fears that prompted her strong reaction. Since changing how I respond to her, she has felt increasingly safer with me, and now rarely relates to me with contempt or dishonor. As soon as she becomes aware that she has, she repents.

An important thought on a woman's need for leadership

In Ephesians 5:20-33, when God instructs men to lead and love their wives as Christ does the church, His command presumes that a woman is in need of that Christ-like love and leadership. Do you understand that? A wife has a need for her husband to give her strong, servant leadership, rooted in sacrificial, nurturing love. When that need is met, she is secure as a wife and finds it more natural to respect and submit to her husband. However, when that need is not met, because her husband is focused more on himself than on protecting and nurturing her, she is more insecure and will struggle with trusting him. She quite naturally resists any leadership that he attempts to exercise. He looks at her resistance and thinks she is rebellious, yet the problem is that she is simply responding in fear to his lack of Christ-like love for her. Her fear will hinder her from entrusting herself to him. If a man understands that his wife depends upon him for attentive and nurturing leadership, it will help him stop focusing on his own survival.

The key lesson

The key lesson I hope to pass on is that when an innocent man's wife has left him, I have found only two ways for him to contribute to restoration. He must pray for his wife's eyes to be opened and her heart to be softened. She needs healing. He must seek to identify what it was he did that made his wife feel wounded, and then communicate his empathy for her pain, which will contribute to her healing.

May you find the God of peace and break free from memories that enslave and cripple you.