Before starting this article, it will be important to first read Reconciling With Your Hardened Wife and listen to the session Unraveling the Mysteries of the Female Mind. It might not be a bad idea to also read The Controlling Wife. This article builds upon the principles presented in those.

Here is a tool to help you determine what
specifically you have done to hurt your wife.

After most men read the article Reconciling With Your Hardened Wife and listen to the online session Unraveling the Mysteries of the Female Mind they understand why their wife is in pain. After they read The Controlling Wife they understand how fear is the basis for many of her "complaints." However, not all men understand exactly what they did to wound her. In seeking to reconcile, it is important that a man be able to identify his mistakes. The purpose of this tool is to help him determine exactly what he has done.

Stop and think -- what kinds of things has she been saying to you over the years? What kinds of things did she say when you thought she was complaining, starting an argument, or finding fault with you? Remember – when a woman “complains” about her day, the kids, or you, her husband, she is not trying to find fault or start a fight. She is typically afraid of something and is trying to receive understanding and compassion. She needs her husband to listen and validate her emotions, or she may want to be rescued. Unfortunately, we as guys typically respond by defending ourselves or correcting her facts. Some guys don’t want to throw fuel on the fire, so they wait silently for her to finish her “complaining.” Obviously, such responses have helped break down the marriage relationship, so here you are at this website. The question is – what kinds of things did she try to talk to you about?

If your wife is the silent type, and hid her distress from you, it may be difficult to pin down exactly where you went wrong. However, if you have read the article and have listened to the online session, you should be able to figure out the kinds of ways you devalued her over the years. If you are going to help her heal from her wounds you will need to know exactly what you did wrong.

In the chart following these common “complaints” you can gain some understanding about what your wife has been thinking by examining what she has said in comparison to what she really means. But first consider the following common expressions of fear, followed by what she meant in red.

Common fear-based statements

“You never listen to me.”  You don’t respond like you see the fear behind her words.

“You are so self-absorbed.”  You take care of your needs, but neglect hers or the kids’

“You don’t care about anyone, but yourself.”  Your neglect makes her feel unimportant.

“You don't care about me -- you just want me for sex.”  You skip the emotional foreplay that would make her desire you.

“You are controlling and jealous to an extreme.”  Your fear and insecurity in your manhood squashes her.

“You’re alienating the children.”  Your style of leadership might harm the children she lives to protect.

“You don’t love me or the kids. You just love yourself.”  Assure her that you care how unloved she feels.

“I’m carrying the load of the home by myself.”  You should help her, get her help, or appreciate all she does.

The following chart will further help you understand what your wife has been trying to
communicate and help you identify your mistaken responses.

What she says versus what she really means

As you write your letter, remember to ask yourself – other than respond to your wife poorly, what did you do to her? How exactly did you treat her badly?

Were you harsh or mean to her with your words?

Were you obsessed with work?

Get caught doing porn?

An affair?

Break promises?

Irresponsible?

Lazy?

Did you not work hard to provide for the family, forcing her to shoulder the burden of provision?

Did you use your free time at home to surf the net, do hobbies, watch TV, etc, -- all while she looked after the kids 16 hours a day?

Did you side with your extended family against her?