I gave her my letter. Now what?

It is critical to remember that the goal of your letter is not specifically to get your wife to reconcile with you, but to help her heal from the wounds you inflicted over the years. The letter is not magic and may not change anything. Your wife may have cried as she read it – if she was willing to read it. She may have been impacted and softened towards you, and may even thank you. Or she may have grown angry and said, “Too little, too late.” If she sensed your empathy in the letter, she may now be open to trusting you again, and will start watching your life to see if your life matches your words.

The real evidence of a heart change is if you stay consistent despite your wife’s present reactions. She may watch you for months to see if your profession of repentance is genuine. She may antagonize you to see how you respond. One thing I can promise -- if you are frustrated by your safety-seeking wife, you will not be able to hide it. In her mind, you owe her greatly, and any frustration on your part will demonstrate to her that you are not aware of the depth of your offense or the significance of her hurt condition. She will also view any obsessiveness, intensity, and pushiness towards her as evidence that you have not changed. The more you maintain frustration toward her, the more you diminish your chances of regaining her heart. 

Don’t broach the subject of reconciliation with her unless it is obvious that her heart is softening and she is interested in restoration. She invested for years in your marriage and doesn’t casually throw it all away. If she sees genuine change, you will be attractive to her and she may desire restoration without you bringing it up. And if she doesn’t bring it up, in your heart you can’t blame her, since you want her to feel safe as much as she does. If in your heart you are genuinely distressed at yourself for treating her the way you have, then you will have no temptation to do anything but protect her – especially from yourself.

What if she responds with silence to the letter?
 

If your wife responds with silence to the letter and doesn’t mention it, it may be for several reasons:
 

1. She didn’t read it.

2. She read it and may have been touched by it, but is still angry so doesn’t want to give you the pleasure of seeing her respond or at all.

3. She wants to feel justified in her decision to break up the family and is committed to her path, so needs you to be angry or antagonistic because she wants to continue the direction she is going. She may even try to push your buttons and start a fight with you, just to feel better about herself. (Therefore, you must refuse to be drawn in.  Let your compassion for her bitter condition filter your reactions.)

4. She was touched by the letter, but feels that if she softens, then she loses her power position in the relationship. Remember that she felt out of control for a long time, and her decision to separate was a move to keep herself safe, so she won’t easily want to relinquish her position of safety. 

5. She has reached the final stage of bitterness, so thinks you are as evil as Darth Vader. She despises you so much that she will find fault with everything you do. 

6. It is possible you didn't have your letter critiqued by me and she was so offended by it, that she was convinced you are hopeless and not worth speaking to about it.

What if she refuses to read the letter?

If your wife refuses to read your letter, ask her if she is willing for you to read it to her in person or over the phone. If she still refuses, then assure her it is a letter that she will like and suggest that she have someone close to her read it first and decide if she would want to read it. If you think she may be likely to refuse your letter, you may even want to write that suggestion on the outside of the envelope.  

What if she accuses me of having someone else write the letter?

Tell her the truth -- that you submitted your letter to your counselor for help with ideas and sentence structure.

That’s all you can do. Remember that the exercise of writing a letter was to help you learn how to understand and communicate with your wife. Take to heart the following tips:

1. Don't press her for a response – at all.

2. Continue to educate yourself about becoming the Ultimate Husband. If you haven’t heard them yet, it would be time to listen to the series Becoming the Ultimate Husband.

3. Don’t fall back into the habit of trying to woo her with romance. Romantic expressions are intended to draw attention back to oneself and don’t restore trust. Don’t forget that a tender manner and concern for her well-being will make you far more attractive than a dozen roses and a coupon for a day at the spa.

4. In your interactions with her, don’t talk about how you are doing, unless she asks. Even if she asks, be careful. It would probably be best to respond, “I’m doing okay, but you’re the one who’s been through so much. I just want you to be doing well.”

If the words in your letter genuinely reflect your heart, and you are now a man of understanding who is not just trying to regain what you've lost, you'll wait and interact with your wife patiently. It could take weeks or maybe even months, if she softens at all. Just remember that you are not being patient and compassionate for the purpose of winning her back – you are being different, because you ARE different. You have new insights and new values now.

You’ve sought to make amends with her, so continue to do what’s right. Since you are hoping for restoration, from a human standpoint you’re doing all that you can do.

Probably the key thing for you to remember is that God wants to get your attention. He knows that a strong marriage flows out of individuals who are strong spiritually. You belong to Him, and if you haven’t made Him number one in your life, the time is now. The power to be what you must be comes from an intimate relationship with Him.

One last thing, Family Ministries is a donation-based ministry. If you are able, please make a donation to help us carry on. A suggested a donation of $100 would be appreciated, or give whatever you can.

You are in my prayers,

Reb Bradley