My Wife is Having an Affair

 

It is devastating for a man to hear his wife say that their marriage is over. Such news catches most guys off guard and hits them like a ton of bricks. For some guys their devastation is compounded when they discover that their wife is already seeing someone else. Their love (or possessiveness) wells up within them and they want to quickly repair the relationship, but they also wrestle with feelings of anger for her unfaithfulness. They don’t know how to get their wife back, so they Google their situation and find UltimateHusband.com.

 

If that is your situation, then consider the following before writing a letter to your wife.

 

It is never a man's fault if his wife is unfaithful. He is never to blame for her choices to sin. However, he must keep in mind that it may have been his neglect that starved her for security and made her vulnerable to adultery. When a woman decides to leave her husband, she is escaping from pain. She was dedicated to the marriage and hung in there for a long time before she felt she could bear no more. She had been looking to her husband for value and significance, but came away feeling neglected and worthless. The vast majority of the time a woman wasn't swept off her feet by a guy more handsome than her husband. She was starving for worth or security and welcomed it from a guy who made her feel significant, valuable, or protected.

 

A woman in an affair is not the same as a wife who just wants to escape the pain of being near her husband. Here are some unique aspects of such a case:

 

> A woman in an affair is often there because she was left vulnerable by her husband’s neglect of her heart. This does not justify her actions, but understanding this will help a husband know how to respond in humility.

 

> She may have a defiled conscience, and will feel extremely guilty if caught. Exposure of her sin can sometimes bring proper humility to a woman, which will aim her back to her husband’s open arms. Maybe not.

 

> She may have a defiled conscience, but justifies herself because of her husband’s neglect. Although it would be natural for a husband to be angry with his adulterous wife, she will still feel he owes her for his past neglect, so will see any statements critical of her as unwarranted.

 

> She has created an emotional and physical bond with someone other than her husband, so no longer thinks clearly. Her judgments are influenced by her passion and hormones. She might actually think of marrying the one she has an affair with, even though he has already shown he has no character and cannot be trusted. Why would a rational person be interested in someone who would violate his wedding vows? Hormones cloud our thinking and make us irrational. A husband should relate with her in all graciousness, so she will consider restoration when her lover and she break up. She must know her husband’s door is open.

 

The key thing for a man in your position to remember is that God modeled extreme graciousness in His dealings with unfaithful Israel. To illustrate his mercy to Israel, He told the prophet Hosea to marry a loose woman. When she left him and had an affair, God told Hosea to help his wife’s lover financially support her. God's words to Hosea are not commands to every husband. However, they do reflect a heart of tender care.

 

My primary question for you in your situation is – where are you or your wife at with the Lord in all this? God loves solid marriages, but He is chiefly concerned with his individual children walking strong with Him. The most important question for anyone in any aspect of their life is – Is what I am doing causing me to walk with greater trust and submission to God? Are you in a church? Will your elders or pastor get involved with her? Obviously, she has had to turn her back on the Lord to pursue what she is pursuing. Her willingness to turn back to her marriage will stem directly from her willingness to follow her Lord. Unfortunately, a woman’s husband is often the last person she will listen to about spiritual matters.

 

I recommend that you write a letter of reconciliation to an adulterous wife just as you might had she remained faithful.